Most Important ‘Relationship’…With Whom?
Let me start by asking you …
Do you know what the most important Relationship is that you have in your life?
Do you know ‘who‘ it is with?
Is it with your children? Your boss? Your spouse? Your siblings? Your friends? Your lover?
The MOST important Relationship you have, or will ever have for that matter, in your entire Life – is with yourself believe it, or not.
I know – it sounds a bit zappy / sad / positive thinking oriented doesn’t it. But you know what? It is also very true and important. In fact – you tell me – is there anything more important in Life than being able to productively and efficiently run your own brain?
I bet you left school as I did, along with millions and millions of others who basically were educated on subjects ranging from Math, English and Sciences all the way to Drama, Music and Home Economics BUT, do you ever remember being taught about, well, being a Human?!
How our minds work? How our psychology works? How we should use our own brains and minds productively? What are thoughts? Can we control our own thoughts? How do we do that Successfully?
We were allowed to use our computer to learn information in and of itself, however, we were not taught HOW to think it self! Rather backward in my opinion.
Dumping lots of information in without the knowledge of how to use it, how to remember it, how to organise all the resources so that they have value, is somewhat missing the point is it not. Would you buy today’s super computer because it is suppose to be the best at speed, multi-tasking, holding vast quantities of information, graphics etc.. But you had to operate it with only 1 hand and 1 eye and 1 ear! Would that make sense to you?!
Being in possession of the most powerful computer that exists, without having a user manual on how to use it properly, is, well, you know what!
There are good ways and bad ways, productive ways and poor ways to use our own powerful computer / brain. I think it is fair to say that most people most of the time communicate in a less than desirable way to themselves through self-internal talk and general thinking. I believe this shows up in the external world as demonstration through things such as having certain areas of ones Life that at times is lacking the abundance / Success you desire and deserve.
Life is not user friendly and to make matters worse no one really ever taught us how to use this amazing piece of hardware properly in the first place.
So I believe learning how to master this computer on the inside – using it productively and efficiently verses just haphazardly – is one of the very first steps one must take if one wishes to contemplate making real Life changes in the external world. Make sense?
If you wish to have better relations with anyone around you – you need to understand that the communication from you to them – largely dictates that outcome / or not, and in the first instance – your communication to yourself – determines that communication to the person around you. It is all linked but it does have a start – your own thoughts.
Is I more important than we?
Sometimes no but sometimes yes.
When individuals come to me for Relationship Coaching, I ask them to identify what the issues and challenges are, that they are having, and with whom.
Most people will tell me that person X is the problem and that they want me to help them deal with person X. If you think about that sentence is it very revealing upon examination … The person in front of me – is asking me to help them – with a person not standing – in front of me!
If you follow logic I can – not do that since that person they want the help with ( they believe ) is not there, so, what ‘can’ I do? – I help the person standing in front of me to communicate better – to the person not standing in front of me!
That word communication I just used, is actually what a Relationship / relating really is. We use the term Relationship but really it is just a big fancy word that just represents communication. We are communicating all the time, verbally with our mouth and also non verbally with our body as a whole. So know that all a Relationship IS, is a communication of some sorts. This usually helps people to understand / and accept / things easier than dealing with this big word Relationship, to some it feels heavy and sounds hard. The word communication resonates better with most people, my experience has found. Truth is, as mentioned, it is what a Relationship IS anyway, so it is not just playing with words, it is simply having people understand something better and more accurately.
You might say that this page should be tilted Communication Coaching instead and you would not be wrong. But I have to go (in the first instance) with what people already have in their head, in order to establish some rapport. In the second instance I can then clarify what it is in to a more digestible, absorbable form.
So in short, all Relationship Coaching is, is improving communications. Please remember this and never ever forget it.
Invariably most people neglect to see that their communication both verbal and nonverbal to someone else in the external world largely dictates the outcome. Or the quality of that Relationship in the first place at least. Yes ‘other’ people may indeed, be part problematic in the situation, it may really be the other person’s fault that’s for sure but, the question to ask is – ‘even if that is the case, does that help or hinder you?’ The answer is clearly that it only hinders you so learning how to communicate with them specifically, in a more effective way can only come about, again, because you have improved the communication to yourself in the first place to allow that shift.
So a large portion of my Relationship Coaching is focused first and foremost on the individual themselves. Improving communications with oneself – I have found – is a very effective way of improving any Relationship with any person that the individual is having.
Once handled, I then help the individual with the external communication / relating where applicable. That would naturally involve relationship barriers and issues with some of the people mentioned at the beginning of this page. Relationship Coaching sometimes involves group sessions of 2 or more people if the situation calls for it.
In any and all of my Coaching A always comes before B so to speak. You may have heard the phrase ‘you can’t always control the wind – but you can control your sails in the wind’.
Well that’s the point.
We are all members of society in some form or other. Most people will have the usual / varying types of Relationships.
That would be inter-personal, i.e. : with your intimate partner if you have one. With your children if you have them. With your parents and or siblings if you have them. With other relatives if you have them. Then you have your Relationships with your close friends or friends in general if you have them.
Then you have your Relationships with people in your work / business environment if you work. Then you have Relationships with anyone and everyone else not mentioned above.
There are of course lots of other definable contexts in life where you may have a Relationship based experience and there are other ways of defining who is who such as inner circle or outer circle of friends, close friends as opposed to just friends etc..
All the people mentioned above in the different contexts that there may be, are external Relationships (communications with people in the external world). These are people on the outside of you so to speak that you relate with. Meaning outside of ‘you’. Obviously this refers to every single living human you will ever communicate with (only!)
However one of the most common areas of Relationship Coaching that I deal with is with people who shy away from society, who are not in the above mentioned list, and who thus feel very isolated and alone (lonely), even afraid of meeting people or talking in public etc…if you think about it then Confidence building is just another way to describe Relationship building – with yourself.
Any Relationship is based on communication, so no matter what the scenario is and with whom it is, taking control of your own communications to yourself first is non-negotiable if you want better Relations, only then can you communicate effectively / better / to the person in the external world you are attempting to improve your Relationships – with.
My years of experience in the Charity sector involved for example, 3 years direct work with the suicide help service – the Samaritans. Dealing with people who are calling to explain they are wanting to / in some cases about to / kill themselves which clearly is an extreme situation.
I cannot tell you the protocol the Samaritans use for obvious reasons but suffice to say, you are limited to communication with that person on the end of the phone only – even though in that persons mind, at that moment – they may believe, the problem is with ‘someone else’ outside themselves – thus causing / creating their suicide attempt. It is ‘them (selves) I am only able to deal with and thus, through experience you find / out of necessity / very effective ways to talk, converse, ask questions etc…that produce behavioural changes in the individual in the first instance despite the limitation presented.
My point is no matter what or with who a problem is / lies, communications to your self – your Relationship with yourself – first if not only – is the first line of action because you are 100% in control of that.
You cannot be in control of any external factor to any significant extent so why base your efforts there, that would be something to consider secondly once the communications with yourself have been improved or mastered.
Who is Relationship Coaching for?
– Anyone who is having frequent arguments with someone else or different people
– Anyone who is finding it difficult to communicate their feelings or thoughts to another person
– Anyone who is contemplating suicide or harming themselves
– Anyone who is nervous speaking in groups
– Anyone who wants to get very good at communicating in public
– Any parent who is having trouble getting through to their kids and are concerned that they are losing their Relationship / bond with their children
– Anyone who feels intimated by a person in a superior position such as in business
– Anyone who wants to improve their own internal communications with themselves