The Most Powerful – ‘You’
( This page is lengthy, be prepared … )
If you’re wondering what exactly is ‘Emotional’ Coaching, then let me ask you a few questions in order to explain it easily.
You will discover, that this is the root of most, if not all other changes in any and all contexts of Life …
Do you want more Happiness in your daily Life then you currently experience?
Do you want more Confidence in yourself and your actions?
Do you want to feel Passionate about living instead of just feeling ‘okay’?
Do you want to Laugh more in your Life?
Do you search for a Meaning / Purpose in your Life?
Do you want to stop feeling Depressed?
Do you want to stop getting Overwhelmed by events or experiences in your Life?
Do you want to manage your Anger so you can control it?
Do you want to handle Disappointment better?
Some people feel Nervous / Shy in public and want to break out of that.
Some people have FEARS and Phobias of elevators, bridges, snakes, public speaking etc… and want to learn how to manage the situation so they are not out of control.
Some people have a FEAR of Rejection and it massively limits their actions in business and or their personal Life and they want to overcome this barrier.
Some people have Trauma, from events that have happened past tense in their lives and it effects negatively the present tense of their Life. They crave to break free.
If any of the above describes you, then this is what Emotional Coaching is.
It is working with a person on the Emotional part of themselves – to make the change desired – in the Emotional context. It is not a physical or an Intellectual context. It is not about your mind or your personality.
The phrase Emotional Coaching is just my way of labelling and thus simplifying, the long list of Emotional based human experiences that you would already otherwise know as, FEARS, phobic responses, trauma, habits, addictions, good feelings, bad feelings, moods, Emotions etc…
You can label this differently and ignore my phrase of ‘Emotional Coaching’ if you like, call this something different if it helps you to understand what it is I do.
Allow me to continue to explain …
Emotions Are The Controlling Force Of Your Whole Life
What does this mean?
Means your Emotions are stronger than your thoughts.
Positive thinking is great but it is not enough as you may have experienced in your own Life where you attempt to make a change by thinking positive, but somehow after a short time you snap back to where you were in your feelings or your behaviour or you patterns…
Have you experienced this before?
It is because an Emotion is more impacting that thoughts alone as you will discover as you read on, therefore you either …
Control them or, be Controlled ‘by’ them – unfortunately there is no 3rd option here.
You either set up your Emotional being in such a way that it Empowers you and thus your Life, by dealing with limiting Emotional factors and changing them to Empowering ones that support you in being all that you can be.
Or, the Emotional pre-set you have in this very moment in real time as you are reading these words, will dictate and determine the direction you will be going in 10 seconds time – all the way – up to the end of your Life.
Challenge with this 2nd approach is that ‘you’ did not set things up, your environment, your growing up, influence from others etc… did and so this is a random and unorganised conflicting set of wiring that is not conducive to moving forwards.
Stagnation or side ways movement in Life or only intermittent forward movement, is usually the result when this is the case.
If you want to be free from Emotional restraint and constraint, so that you are in control and empowered, not in reaction, you must break the limiting Emotional patterns that currently hold you back in your Life.
If right now you feel nervous in public and want instead to feel / experience Confidence in public, then this can easily be done. You can go from being in reaction to being in control. Emotional Coaching is a way to facilitate that shift.
If something happened to you many years back that was an unpleasant experience and it negatively effects you in some way still to this day, then this can be changed. You don’t have to be at the mercy of your past.
Why Are Emotions SO Powerful?
Think about it this way, have you …
Ever been in Love?
Ever been Scared?
Ever been Nervous?
Ever had a full on belly laugh?
Ever been Overwhelmed either by a problem or with Joy?
Ever felt over-Confident?
Then you already know how much they affect you.
Compare those experiences above to just having singular thoughts in your head in any moment – we would like to believe that our intellect is what drives us but the reality is – that it IS our Emotions that rule. They control for the most part – our behaviours and thus actions.
A thought to do something is not as strong as the ‘urge’ to do that same something, thinking yourself in to being calm whilst your Heart is beating like the clappers because your scared is not going to work – this is all indicative of our Emotions being King.
You may intellectually know that a bridge or a red jumper or a walking in front of a crowd for example is nothing to be scared off yet, you will still uncontrollably react nervously when you are near a bridge, or you suddenly see a red jumper or you are asked to walk in front of the room of people.
An Emotion is E+Motion
What IS an Emotion anyway?
An Emotion is ENERGY + MOTION.
It is when your entire / whole body and mind is linked up together at the same time, meaning, a thought in your head is void of any other experience at the exact moment you just, have that thought. The moment that thought leads ( instantly ) to a change in your body’s physiology, such as breathing, stance, movement, facial expressions etc…then your Emotional side has been activated and brought in to play so to speak.
When energy ( a thought / thinking ) is combined and connected to motion ( body movement ) you have what we all know as an Emotion ( E+motion ).
So if your Emotional associations, connections, patterns, linkages, feelings etc… are mixed up, negatively based and conflicting, then clearly this will limit how much of your inherent and natural potential you use every moment of every day.
Intellect is just 1 part of your nervous system.
Think of it this way – a thought in your head is only from the neck UP. An Emotion is from the neck DOWN. There’s a whole lot more body mass that way with neurology etc…from this you can see why an Emotion is so strong, controlling and domineering. Intellect is weak in comparison.
FEAR’S, Phobia’s and Trauma’s are extreme Emotional reactions to triggers ( stimulus from the external world ) that got set up for a whole host of possible reasons. They are clearly very intense and require strong interventions.
Objectively, the simplest and quickest way to break these extreme associations, or any Emotional association for that matter, is to re-wire them in the person’s neurology so the association of say the bridge, now changes to Calm, Balanced, Centred etc… ( states of resourcefulness ), or the Trauma that happened 5 years ago now changes from FEAR and terror, to states ( Emotions ) of Confidence, Security and Freedom.
If the Emotional connection changes – then the behaviour of the individual automatically changes. Thus the individuals overall direction in Life now changes for the better.
On a more day to day example that will help you to understand, someone who smokes cigarettes ‘knows’ ( intellectually ) they are very harmful to their Health and they really do want to stop but yet again, they find themselves ‘automatically’ / unable to stop ( control ) themselves reaching for a cigarette and putting it in their mouth whenever – they feel the states ( Emotions ) of boredom, stress, overwhelm, confusion, frustration, unhappiness or whatever the trigger is.
Why? because they are linked up Emotionally to the cigarette, not intellectually. So the change needs itself to be an Emotional intervention – not an intellectual one.
Just to give you an example of how this might work – talking to Jack about stopping smoking is an intellectual experience and it will likely do Jack sh*t ( pardon the pun! ) however when I get Jack to hold in his physical hands a dead diseased toxic lung that was from a smoker and is black and smells putrefied – then Jack links up on an Emotional level a new association in his nervous system / Emotional side – to what a cigarette ‘MEANS’.
Cigarettes use to mean ‘ I calm down’. Now they mean Cancer / death / disease etc… )
Your Emotional links to the world / triggers around you ( sometimes called anchors in NLP ) are what control a large portion of our behaviours.
So if you want to change your behaviour short term, then using will power and positive thinking will do it, however, as you may know from bitter experience, you eventfully go back to the old behaviour – this is because your Emotional associations ( not intellectual ones ) have not changed.
Your Emotional conditioning, whatever it currently is, will lead you in a very particular direction or destiny in your Life, while there would be natural variation month to month and year to year in your life, unless direct, conscious attention is applied to change that current conditioning, nothing really changes.
Or you can take action to make the appropriate changes. It’s ultimately a choice. Remember, there’s no 3rd option.
Your Emotional conditioning does and will continue to affect you this moment and every moment till the day you die more than your intellect can does or will. It has been said, and I would have to agree, that Emotional Intelligence is the highest level of Intelligence there is.
Emotional intelligence is where your Emotional responses, linkages, conditioning etc…is set up in such a way that it serves and empowers you and brings ‘more’ to your life, versus taking away and shutting down your experience and or bringing you pain.
Reality Verses Representation
Know that all your current negative Emotional linkages are all made up anyway.
They are the result of presentation – leading to interpretation – leading to re-interpretation – leading to misinterpretation.
An actual event that happened was in the external, and only ever was in the external. What the individual has linked up in their neurology internally, is a representation of the experience – a re-presentation of what they believe happened. When you re-present something to yourself about what you think just happened, you are doing this in a distorted, deletional and generalised mode. Not in the mode of actuality.
Actuality / reality is not what we have inside our heads.
Your brain sits in total and absolute darkness, completely void of any outside experience itself. It relies utterly and totally on 5 friends ( the 5 senses ) to bring in all the info about the external / outside world. Problem with these 5 friends is that they only bring in information. They do not understand so to speak what, the info they are bringing in – is. It is just information ( has no meaning at this point).
So the brain in the pitch black – must interpret the info that the friends brought in that itself – has no inherent meaning!
How does it possibly do this?
Through past tense and present tense beliefs about reality that you already have in your brain. Remember earlier I explained that your Emotional conditioning is itself mismatched, twisted, conflicting etc…
Everything that comes in present tense – is looked through from that past tense. Thus everything is distorted.
As human beings we move toward what we believe will be pleasure and we move away from what we believe will be pain in terms of our behaviours. We don’t actually move toward real pleasure or away from real pain because we can’t, as it does not exist in the external.
Where Did Your Emotional Responses Come From?
From a multitude of places starting when you were just a baby, you began the process of modelling.
When someone around you wanted to reward you for doing something they perceived as good you got a clap and a big cheesy grin from them. If you were doing something potentially dangerous you were instead punished and greeted with a tone of disapproval and a face of fear.
During childhood at school your Emotional linkages were strengthened and also modified, as you had to fit in with all the other kids, competition for attention, approval and significance meant your neuro associations had to shift somewhat. Even the values of the teachers in what they rewarded or punished you for, had its impact on your Emotional linkages.
The workplace or higher education caused another revamp to your conditioning.
In addition well-meaning friends, family members, local community and world events, T.V and extreme personal experiences etc… all contributed and continued to mould your Emotional programming all the way to as it stands right now, as you read these words in real time.
As you can see from this very brief description, the clear and scary thing to note is that pretty much all of your current Emotional experience, is nothing but a mix match and miss match of haphazard experiences. Leading to conflicting and tangled connections in your brain leading to a lot of the limitations as described earlier.
Just like a lot of people, I grew up poor not just in the financial sense, but in the Emotional sense too. However, all of the Successes I now have in my own life, has come from ‘me’ learning to manage and eventually master my own Emotions early on.
The reason is that, I grew up with major negative Emotional limitations and realised unless I took action to change that, my future life would be dismal. Not being one for handling pain very well, I chose to give this area of life a significant amount of my attention.
I also realised that every other goal I had in all the other contexts of Life, would depend on the Emotional ‘me’ so to speak. I had no escape in my mind and so I went about learning how to deal with my Emotional limitations and condition myself to have the Emotional responses I would want / chose to have.
The same opportunity now exists for ‘you’ as you, read this.
For many years now I have Coached other people on their Emotional side to help them make the changes they seek too.
Changing Your Emotional Conditioning
So if we want more Happiness, more Confidence, deeper Love, more Excitement, less FEAR, less disappointment, less stress, overcome FEAR’s and break bad habits, stop smoking or excess drinking etc… then we can! Any current negative / limiting Emotional based experience can be replaced with a more empowering one.
By beginning to raise our current conscious awareness of the limitations that exist ( not hide out from them ) and then by taking conscious action and making the affirmative decisions, that we will ( not try ) to make the change.
Let me share with you a couple of simple examples of Emotional intervention.
If as an example you have a pattern of responding to your spouse’s ‘nagging’ by yourself becoming infuriated, which obviously makes the situation ‘only’ worse.
Then one way to ‘change’ this Emotional ‘response’ from you ( since you cannot change any external factor / your spouse / to any significant extent ) is to practice in private ‘seeing’ your spouse’s face and ‘hearing’ their voice in your imagination, mimicking their nagging with as much detail and realism as you can. Don’t do this in the moment you are caught up in the arguing, it won’t be effective, do it in an unrelated time when you can be by yourself and in private.
While you are doing this, stand tall with your head up high and take a strong / power-oriented stance, in other words, feel good, feel as good as you possibly can. Keep repeating this with as much intensity ( the imaginative process in your head with your eyes closed and your real body’s strong / feel good physiology ) non-stop for at least 120 seconds.
The more E+motion you create ( remember that?! ) the better this will work. In the real world, the next time he or she ‘nags’ you, if you have done this pattern interrupt correctly, you will respond ‘automatically’ in a somewhat more resourceful way. From this empowered state you can better deal with the situation, versus your old pattern of retaliational rebutting, understand?
In this example, the trigger of seeing and hearing in the external ( your spouse’s face and voice ) – will now trigger a new positive / feel good / resourceful response in the internal automatically ( the 2 have been linked ). This is a simple, non-complicated and easy thing to do yourself.
If instead your Emotional pattern is to reach for food every time you get frustrated, stressed or upset in some way, then one of many ways to deal with this is to do the following …
Take the food you overindulge on, out and put it on the table in front of you.
Now look at the food and while your doing this ‘think’ about all the losses to your life as a result of overindulgence and ‘feel’ the pain that these thoughts generate. You have to be willing to feel some pain for this process to work but remember if you don’t do this you will have pain anyway of being ill or overweight or having low self esteem etc… so use pain and pleasure, instead of having pain and pleasure use you.
See the food and think about how much it costs you physical and emotionally past, present and will do in your future ( don’t escape any of the time frames, use all 3 ) and allow those thoughts to generate feelings within you.
It’s the Emotion that you are trying to create, and thus link to that food. Do this with as much Emotional intensity as you can, the weaker the Emotion, the weaker the new association will be and likely the old pattern will overpower this new association and little or nothing will change.
If you do this correctly, then the next time the trigger of an unresourceful Emotion makes you open the cupboard for the chocolate bar, seeing the chocolate bar will now remind you of the consequences IF you eat it.
This is automatic, not positive thinking or an effort. If you have created strong enough association of bar = pain, then these feelings will resurface upon seeing the chocolate. Obviously, you will think twice about eating it. The old pattern has been interrupted and a new empowering association / pattern has been installed. You are in effect Emotionally empowered and back in control.
Again don’t do this process when you are in reaction and already reaching for the food, it won’t work effectively. Do this in a completely different time when you are not urging the food at all.
There are many, many ways to effectively deal with the 2 above examples, this is just one way.
I know that it may sound a little weird for some of you reading these procedures and you may feel uncomfortable doing them. Just remember what I mentioned and explained earlier, that your current negative Emotional linkages are all made up anyway.
Taking control of your Emotional associations is vital if you want a balanced Emotional life, and using these ‘strange’ techniques is something simple, that can assist you to make positive changes.
Also know that each and every time you attempt to break a habit, change your Emotional state consciously or intervene in some way, that you are contributing to the changing of that particular X by weakening it.
Thinking positive does have value in situations like this, it does have some effect albeit limited. Just like every time you repeat X you are in effect reinforcing its very existence, likewise every time you stop an automatic negative behaviour or negative Emotion – you are in effect weakening it.
Why Else Is Emotional Coaching So Important?
It is one of the most important areas in Life to master by far. Everything you want to achieve, create, be, have or do will come from – emanate from– and only from, this skill set.
Quite a statement to make but an accurate one you will discover.
Outside of the above examples of ‘Emotional Coaching’ even day to day living itself is fraught with obstacles and challenges, curve balls and stress, disasters and unfairness for most people.
Would you agree?
Thus learning how to manage your state / Emotion at any given time, in any given situation is number 1 on the list of what will affect your Life the most, this day and at the end of where you have ended up. If you don’t learn this skill set, then Life will simply overpower you and for most people sadly Life overpowers / controls them
To be clear, addressing your Emotional well being is more important than money, relationships, business, career, even sometimes health or any other area you care to mention as your Emotions will be the under pinning principle for all the above.
For example …
Your Emotions deeply effect your physical Health. Your immune system is controlled by the same portion of your brain that controls your Emotions.
Or if creating additional income means you need to do a second job or you want to study the area of money, then either, will require that you manage your states / Emotions, especially when your feel tired at 10pm at night or just don’t feel like following through.
If you can’t get yourself to follow through on the actions you need to take in any given situation then it is very likely that you will not achieve your outcomes.
If, as another example you feel unhappy Emotionally for whatever reason, and this creates problems in your personal relationship because you argue a lot then the quality of your Relationship is dependent deeply on ‘you’ managing your ‘Emotional’ state first.
Controlling a body weight issue starts with Emotional intervention, not diet, and earning more money starts with changing negative associations / feelings to money into neutral or Empowering ones.
Changing any habit you have starts with the intent of the habit, not the effect ( behaviour ), so addressing the Emotional side first is non-negotiable.
The list goes on and on.
What Kind Of Changes Can I Help Individuals With?
I Coach people who want to …
Break phobias, who want more confidence, who want to earn more money, who want to overcome limitations, who want to overcome fears, who want to succeed in business, who want more intimacy in their relationship, who want to improve their health, who want to permanently lose weight, who want to stop smoking, who want to feel more happiness day to day, who want to stop being shy or nervous, who want to change their career, who want to get over the loss of a loved one, who want to get over a past trauma, who want emotional guidance and support, who want to change debilitating habits, who want to stop feeling depressed, who want to break an addiction, who is seeking fulfilment in Life but can’t find it and so on …
In essence – anyone in any capacity that is looking for a change in their Emotions or their Behaviours, or both, in any context within Life and they are maybe struggling to make that change, alone.
If you would like to speak to me personally to get the help you need, then please send me a message using the contact form and I will get back to you as soon as possible and in the Strictest of Confidence.
To a Better Quality of Life …